Everyday, I fall a little more. Finding less and less reasons to not let myself get totally consumed by this. I'm still scared, I'm still learning, still trying to convince myself that it's okay. I'm just so so so eternally grateful to have this guy by my side and I don't now how I'll ever be able to explain that to him or thank him for that. 

I hope I'll figure it out one day, because he deserves it.

Please Please Please

"I know that I’m hard to love. Some days I’m all smiles and affection and then other days there’s nothing I want more than to be quiet and lie in bed.

Sometimes I get angry about stupid things and won’t want to talk to you. Other days I’ll think that you’re the most perfect person in the world.

Please don’t give up on me. I know it’s not easy but I’ll always come back to you."

One of the best love songs I've heard this year. It gets me every single time. Well done Mr. Eldredge. I don't know one girl whose heart wouldn't swell having this sung about or to her.

Life goal: Have someone play this song for me and slow dance with me in the middle of the night. Oh, what a dream that would be. *sigh*

I've made a choice to be happy today. In spite of everything that could easily push me down, I will smile. And I'll probably get a doughnut, because I've learned a doughnut makes your insides smile, which radiates to the outside. Have a great day everyone!

Words that will always hit me hard:

“Just because someone desires you, it does not mean that they value you.


Read it over.

Again.

Let those words resonate in your mind.”

-Nayyirah Waheed 

I just read through my past posts, and have laughed and cried. Not many things have changed for me on a month to month basis since then, and yet there are so many things that are different. I wish I would have stayed with it, but those past months were insane. I'm making a mid year, well more than mid year, resolution to myself to get back to writing on this thing. I don't care if no one ever reads it, I honestly need this for myself right now, but if you do read it, right on. Don't let it affect how you see me, just think of it as being able to read my mind, because I don't speak it as often as I would like to.

Here's to some crazy words, rants and thoughts that will be spilled out for all to see. Scary and enlightening.

I can't find an appropriate word to piece together how uncontrollably and overwhelmingly stressed I am feeling today. I can only explain the feeling of my life lately as though I am floating in a vast pool of water in which I cannot see below or around me, and every time I feel as though I am able to float on my back and be stable, I get pushed under by an unseen tide that just hits me from behind. I have felt lately like I have control over nothing in my life, I feel vacant and distant from everyone and everything. I desperately want things to be "normal" but I can't find a way to make that possible, no matter how hard I rack my brain. I'm exhausted from thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind is moving quicker than the earth has time to catch up with. I am sore all over from a weight only stress can put on your body and only peace of mind can erase. I hate getting out of bed lately, knowing I will only be going to do something that will drain what little life I have in me. At school I find there joy in being forced to learn things you really could care less about. I just want to get away, and not have to think, but I know I can't because that will lead to me falling behind in school and work. I'm trapped, and I freaks me out. Why the caged bird sings, I'll never know, but give me some of what he's having.