The Perks of being a Believer

     If there is anything I need to learn, or should have learned by now, it's to not get my damn hopes so high. I don't know what it is, I think it is just ingrained within me, but I always want and hope for the best in everyone. I am aware of how unfair that is to others, to set such unrealistic expectations for them, but also I realize how unfair it is for me to let my heart get broken all the time. I am just a believer in anyone and everyone I meet, and it's honestly the best and worst quality I have.

     Even when I know someone is going to let me down, I hold my heart out for them. It's happened to me countless times with friends and family. I let others walk all over me. There's a line for a song that goes "I'll do what I got to, the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt". Gruesome, I know. But there is no line that could encompass who am I as a person more accurately. I can't count on one hand the amount of times I've put myself back together after putting all my faith into someone, letting them into the quiet and secret corners of myself, and watching and feeling helpless as they tear me down. I never learn.
 
     My Father is one of those individuals. For years I listened to his lies, praying one day he would change, honestly believing one day I would wake up and have my Dad back, like nothing had changed. We would be the best friends we were again, and everything would be normal. I believed everything he told me, even though I knew better and even though others told me differently. I believed his addiction wasn't bad, I believed it was an easy fix, I believed one day I would have my family back. Even 4 years later, I still hold that same belief every time I see him. I know deep down in my gut that it won't, but my heart and mind won't let me go there.

     Believing isn't a bad thing don't get me wrong. From experience however, it has led me to a lot of pain, but there is a large amount of greatness it brings as well. If I didn't have such a strong sense of belief, I wouldn't be where I am today. I have let myself get hurt by believing in others, but I have also opened so many doors. Believing in others lets friendships form easier, and helps you to bond with others based purely on that fact that you know they are worth it. I have such high standards for everyone I meet, simply because I know everyone has the potential to be an amazing individual and accomplish great things.

     So, there really is nothing wrong with being that person who has faith in everyone, but you have to know when to stop yourself before getting too invested. The world doesn't deserve us believers most days, but we are the ones who deserve the world. Remember that next time you are feeling like you don't want to believe. Know that some people prosper because of us. We may be the only people that believe in them, and you just have to be comfortable knowing that often you are often a bridge in others lives, but not the destination. A select few will realize your beauty and chose to explore what lies beneath, so don't worry.

     Words of wisdom someone once told me "Just stop breaking your own heart kid, there is plenty of others to do that for you." It's true, no one can break your heart like you, and what I've also learned no one can fix it like you either. So keep on believing, especially in yourself and all the abilities you possess, trust me it will take you further than you've ever been set back.

Life in a Preschool

     Being in the Recreation Department, you end up in a lot of places and situations you never even pictured yourself in, and that's half the fun of it! I have most recently been put into the 3-5 year old program we have in my city, a big change from the 6th-9th graders I have previously been working with. I have quickly become so in love and invested in this program, in more ways than I expected!

    

      I applaud anyone who works in this field, you guys are awesome! I have been wanting to get into education for quite some time now and even switched my major over to it, and somehow I think me being put here was a sign for me. It's a perfect way to get some practice and feel the water for what education is like. I have a new respect for teachers. Planning, implementing, communicating, organizing, and cleaning are hard and tiring work, but it really is worth it for those kids. We have had to do a complete flip and breathe new life into this program, luckily I have an awesome partner who has tons of experience in this field to be here through it along the way so we can really get this program going.

     My new bed time has become so early, I'm usually exhausted by 8pm. I'm up early and always thinking of new ideas. It has really been a life style change. Curious to see how much we can get done with our program and how we can add new ideas. It's been an exciting month, and tiring, but once a program essentially falls into your hands, it's best to do all you can to improve and make it a positive experience. One day I'll have to show you all a picture of these little humans who have stolen my heart.

     Have an awesome Thursday everyone!

 

I know this has become an overplayed radio song, but I still love it. I swear you cannot have a bad day waking up with this song. I play this on those mornings I can't pull myself out of bed. I pull open my cutrains and let the sunshine and this song wake me up. Nothing like having a postive happy tune to get you going. I think if I could have background music to my daily life it would be this ;)

Things that are unfair:

1. That all men do not look like Paul McCartney

2. The fact that he is 52 years older than me.

3. On second thought, only #1.

New Blogger Alert

I'm still new to the blogging game! I have found so many cute blogs that I would love to follow but I can't figure it out yet, I will eventually. This is such an exciting and great way to get out all these thoughts that go out through my head during the day! If anyone could give my some pointers on how to maximize my experience here, please post some tips. Hope you all are having a lovely week! :)

One thing I fail to understand about others is how they constantly can be or need to be with someone or in the presence of others. If there is anything I have learned in this life it's that no one, no matter how hard you try to make them, can complete you or make you feel more fufilled than you can yourself. Constantly seeking the love and attention of others will only make you feel drained and untimately unsatisfied.

 

You MUST be able to deal with yourself when no one is around. There is no way around it. Learn to love yourself. Stand in front of the mirror every day and tell yourself one good thing about you, even if you don't think there is one, damnit, find one. Spend one day alone. Go on a walk by yourself, go get a manicure by yourself, go shopping by yourself, go eat lunch by yourself, just get comfortable being alone. And no, people who are alone are not weird or strange, its called being self confident and knowing who you are. If you cannot be comfortable with yourself, odds are others will follow in your footsteps.

 

 

Be okay with being alone, just never settle for being lonely.

 

 

For a long time love has been the one thing I have searched for and ran from. It's a vicious cycle, never being able to gather together the words to tell someone how you feel about them, and to watch them slip though your fingers because you couldn't gather up the courage to say something. It's painful to want to be with someone, wanting to give someone ever piece of you, then cutting them off when they come too close. 

I have always felt like broken glass, able to shine and bask in the light of others, yet scaring them away with my jagged and sharp edges when they get close enough to see who I truly am. I fear love, there is honestly nothing that scares me more. And the fact that love scares me, scares me, as ridiculous as it sounds.I fear becoming my parents. I fear spending years of my life and time with someone for it to not work out. I fear hating someone I had once loved so much. I can't move past it.

I want someone who will understand the sadness I feel inside when watching a family playing at the park, as well as the smile it brings to my face. I want someone who won't judge me when I cry a little (no matter how hard I try to hold it back) when I see a father and daughter who are best friends. I need someone who understand how badly I want a family of my own, one where our children will never go through the trials we had during our lives. I crave someone who will just give me an extra hug every now and then and let me be alone when I am upset, but never lonely. I know it's hard to understand me at times, but they need to trust I am trying, and I will do the same for them. I just need someone to understand all the dark and dusty corners of my mind and who will be brave enough to dust them off and fix the light.

Until then, I will wait. I won't settle for someone just because I need them. I have myself for that. I have learned to become my own best friend, my own confidant, and my own mentor.

I will wait for someone who will build blanket forts with me in the living room where we can watch netflix and hide away for the day. I will wait for someone who will have picnics in the park with me on warm sunny days. Someone who will bake cinnamon rolls with me and let me recite all my favorite movie lines to them, and never tire of how I laugh so uncontrollably at some I can't even say them. I want someone who will just lay in bed with me on a bad day, and slow dance with me in the kitchen to my favorite song at 2 a.m. Someone who will turn up my favorite songs when they come on the radio, and burn me mix tapes that remind me of them.

It's time to let love in. It's time to let love heal. It's time to let love repair. It's time to let love have a chance.

 

      Maybe it's the way the sunlight hits your favorite vase in the morning, someone complimenting you on your favorite sweater, being waved through when you come to the stop sign last, hitting all the green lights, then smell of your favorite blanket, or the worn in feel of your favorite pair of shoes. It's the little things that make life great. Take in the beauty of this Saturday.  There is only 48 left this year.

    Out of all the insanity in my life, I know there lies a greater purpose. I know I was put on this planet for some reason. I don't know if anyone else thinks about things like this, but two days ago after dropping off some packages at USPS I was at a stop sign, waiting for a break in traffic to turn.  I suddenly felt a jolt, and realized the truck behind me had hit me. I couldn't even be angry if I tried. In fact, I laughed. Had I not spent that extra 5 minutes washing the dishes, or that extra 10 minutes to paint my nails, would I even be in this situation? It's crazy to think about how every single thing you do during your day affects you life.
 
    But back to my point, it's up to us to decide to let things effect us. Life gets hard, and when it does it won't just be like a small slap in the face from life telling you to wake up, it will hit you like a wall of bricks all at once, and just when you think you've finally stabilized yourself, it will hit you again. Through all that though, we need to find reasons to smile and laugh. Granted, there will be days you will want to cry, and by god you cry and you cry long and hard. Don't let anyone ever tell you it's not okay to cry, or that it is a sign of weakness. It's not.

     You're going to have doors slammed in your face, often doors you didn't realize were there until it's too late. You're going to read things and see things that feel like a kick to the gut. You're going to hear words from people you love that will convince you your heart no longer beats, but trust me it will continue to.

     Above all that, however, you're going to find doors open for you that you never realized were there. You're going to read things and see things that put butterflies in your stomach. You're going to hear words from people you love that will convince you your heart can actually skip a beat. You're going to find greatness, it just takes time.

    One day you may miss your bus, take a wrong turn, walk into the wrong class, be late to work, be stuck in traffic, break up with someone you love. Just think to yourself, that happened for a reason, You never know why things go the way they do at that moment, but trust in the fact that there is something beautiful brewing there.

    Give it some time.

   

Lafawndah

    I feel for everyone and everything. I know there is so much hurt and pain that goes on in this world and it is stupid for me to be so broken up over something so unimportant but this was a dagger to my heart. Two weeks ago my car broke down on the side of the freeway. Wasn't a suprise, I've had better luck with anything in life than my car, but god, I loved that thing. I've had the transmission replaced, the axle, you name it, its been replaced. But with all the financial pain that car has brought me, it has repaid me in experiences money can't replace.

     That car has seen me through two of the darkest, hardest and greatest years of my life. I know how ridiculous it is to humanize a car but that thing was like a friend. It has seen me through two jobs, the falling out of my family, lost and built friendships and relationships, college and everything in between. When there was literally no where to go to, no one to talk to, I would just get in my car and drive. It amazes me that all of that fits in this small box after the fact.

    Cranking up the music and rolling down my windows were some of the first feelings of freedom of I experienced. I grew up, learned and moved on in this car. It has seen friendships build, late night food runs, amusement parks, the beach, club rush, and love.

    I know I didn't take care of you enough, and I always took you for granted but know you hold some of the best memories of my life. I wish we could have gotten to the drive ins and honestly you didn't see enough beach sunsets.Thank you for an amazing two years, and always been the one thing in my life I could count on to listen to me, and never judge me or patronize me when I cry about something silly.

    You've done good, but its time for me to let you go.

     I am a highly emotional and receptive person, or so I'd like to believe. I find myself feeling everyone's pain, and carrying everyone's worries upon my shoulders. It gets exhausting honestly, but there isn't much I can do to change this about myself (trust me I've tried). If there was one thing I would want everyone to understand about me is that I am not the distant guarded person I portray myself to be. 

    I want nothing more than to hug every person I see, and tell everyone what I love about them and how some peoples presence can completely change my mood, and how others eyes remind me of the sky reflecting the crystal water of the ocean in the middle of June or Hot Coco that warms my nose during the winter or the grass that spiked between my toes for so many summers. I want to tell people their smiles melt my heart, and their style gives me envy.

   I crave grabbing someone by the hand and just strolling through a park, relaying to each other the darkest and brightest memories of our childhood, just listening and understanding the fluctuations in tone, the long pauses where they are deserved, and the quiet giggles over long distant memories. I want to walk through nature with someone I love, getting lost and away from technology and the worry that surrounds everyday life. Breath. I just want to be able to breath. I want to take pictures to capture every moment, ones to fill books and walls with. I want to write lovely words that make someones heart skip a beat, ones that pull on the emotions no one likes to talk about, and ones that will let people understand who I am, and why.

     It's been a long, long, long past four years for me emotionally. I hope one day to let you all know the exact details why. But for now I am just comfortable telling this little bit about me. If you know me in person, I owe you an apology. Odds are you haven't gotten to know the real me, no one really does so don't feel offended. Someday I'll be able to let you, just bare with me for now.

   

Goodbye 2013

2013 was a year filled with laughter, friends, love, heartache, tears, and a lot of personal growth. I am sad, yet extremely happy to see it go. I can't wait for what the new year has in store for me. I have longed to keep a blog for quite a while, and now feels like the perfect time to start! :)