2014

 

For a long time love has been the one thing I have searched for and ran from. It's a vicious cycle, never being able to gather together the words to tell someone how you feel about them, and to watch them slip though your fingers because you couldn't gather up the courage to say something. It's painful to want to be with someone, wanting to give someone ever piece of you, then cutting them off when they come too close. 

I have always felt like broken glass, able to shine and bask in the light of others, yet scaring them away with my jagged and sharp edges when they get close enough to see who I truly am. I fear love, there is honestly nothing that scares me more. And the fact that love scares me, scares me, as ridiculous as it sounds.I fear becoming my parents. I fear spending years of my life and time with someone for it to not work out. I fear hating someone I had once loved so much. I can't move past it.

I want someone who will understand the sadness I feel inside when watching a family playing at the park, as well as the smile it brings to my face. I want someone who won't judge me when I cry a little (no matter how hard I try to hold it back) when I see a father and daughter who are best friends. I need someone who understand how badly I want a family of my own, one where our children will never go through the trials we had during our lives. I crave someone who will just give me an extra hug every now and then and let me be alone when I am upset, but never lonely. I know it's hard to understand me at times, but they need to trust I am trying, and I will do the same for them. I just need someone to understand all the dark and dusty corners of my mind and who will be brave enough to dust them off and fix the light.

Until then, I will wait. I won't settle for someone just because I need them. I have myself for that. I have learned to become my own best friend, my own confidant, and my own mentor.

I will wait for someone who will build blanket forts with me in the living room where we can watch netflix and hide away for the day. I will wait for someone who will have picnics in the park with me on warm sunny days. Someone who will bake cinnamon rolls with me and let me recite all my favorite movie lines to them, and never tire of how I laugh so uncontrollably at some I can't even say them. I want someone who will just lay in bed with me on a bad day, and slow dance with me in the kitchen to my favorite song at 2 a.m. Someone who will turn up my favorite songs when they come on the radio, and burn me mix tapes that remind me of them.

It's time to let love in. It's time to let love heal. It's time to let love repair. It's time to let love have a chance.